A sample from my aptly named ‘Comedy TV series about vampires roaming nightclubs’

MA weekend was fun, lovely to be back in Cardiff. Great guest lecturer who kept us busy with some fun writing tasks.

I’m now going to attempt to use my bi-monthly inspirationary creative spurt to procrastinate with a blog post, and make up words like ‘inspirationary’.

I’m working on my major project still, it’s taking shape and I’m making it darker, as twee period dramas make me convulse with cringing fits and it was in danger of becoming just that. So now there’s ample prostitution, infant mortality and rotting corpses on the kitchen table to reflect the lifestyles of the trendy North Walian quarry town dwellers.

I am struggling slightly with writing in Welsh, as it massively affects the pool of feedback givers I can draw on. Thankfully my tutor is a Welsh speaker, so no excuses not to persevere.

 

I’m also writing a TV comedy series about misogynistic nightclub culture, using vampires as a metaphor for predatory men. Hopefully it’s funnier than the last sentence suggests.

 

Here’s a sample! Probably riddled with errors and poorly formatted.

 

ACT 1 SCENE 1 A made up woman stands at a bar in a busy nightclub. This is Claire, she is pretty, young and wears a revealing short skirt. She appears to be trying to attract the attention of the bar man. A gaunt man in his late twenties props himself against the bar next to her with a creepy, cheesy grin. This is Kamil, He is pale and wears a black shirt with a red tie. His black hair is greased back and he looks distinctly out of place amongst the otherwise casually dressed clubbers.

KAMIL Can I get you a drink? Claire looks him up and down and rolls her eyes.

CLAIRE (Sighing) Fine, you might have more luck than me.

KAMIL So, what’s your name? Claire continues frowning sarcastically, she is clearly not interested.

CLAIRE Claire.

KAMIL (Energetically) Ah, rhymes with hair, beautiful.

CLAIRE Right…

KAMIL So, what are you doing here on your own?

CLAIRE Umm, well my friend just ran off to throw up, so I guess I’m waiting for her.

KAMIL Ah… Lovely. So you’re all on your own until then?

CLAIRE (Sarcastically) Well I suppose I am, or at least until the next guy comes along making rapey comments.

Kamil looks embarrassed but amused at the same time.

KAMIL I’m sorry. Better me than one of those meathead vest wearing idiots, who look like they might actually rape you though right?

Claire smiles, and seems to relax a bit.

CLAIRE Yes I suppose… Go on then, you getting us a drink or what?

KAMIL Oh yea, two seconds.

Kamil clicks his fingers and moments later a barman appears and stares intently at Kamil.

BAR MAN What can I get you?

KAMIL Two… Kamil looks at Claire questioningly.

CLAIRE Double vodka coke?

KAMIL Two of those please.

The barman nods and swiftly returns with the two drinks.

CLAIRE (Stunned) How did you do that?… How Did he even hear you click over the music?

KAMIL Just a trick. Kamil sips his drink with an appearance of self satisfaction.

CLAIRE A trick? That was amazing! That was like Derren Brown magic.

KAMIL Yes I suppose it was. But mine was actual magic. Well sort of. Maybe more like voodoo I suppose.

CLAIRE What the hell are you talking about?

KAMIL I like you. Can you keep a secret?

Claire retracts her head bemused by Kamil.

CLAIRE Umm… I suppose so?

KAMIL I’m a vampire. Well I think I am, not sure there’s really a name for it. But I do a lot of the same stuff that vampires do. I’m a lot older than I look as well. We come here a lot, lot of impressionable drunk young people you see.

Claire looks shocked at Kamil and starts to back away slowly.

KAMIL I’m not very good at it though. You’ve got to have that confidence, and that killer attitude you know? Excuse the pun! Helps if you’re a bit better looking than me as well…

Claire turns and walks away shaking her head in disbelief.

CLAIRE Creep.

KAMIL Wait a minute! Ahh shit.

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